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2010 NBA All-Ugly Team
By Logan Noblin @ USC and The Pac 9

Between an early end to a promising World Cup run and severe sanctions dealt to the USC football team for violations commited when most of the players were 13-years-old, maybe NBA basketball is the only thing Los Angeles sports fans have to smile about this summer.  Here, in honor of the 2010 world champion Los Angeles Lakers, is USC and the Pac-9's "2010 NBA All-Ugly Team."

 

Point Guard: #13, Steve “The Crypt Keeper” Nash:

Steve Nash (Born 1974, Died 1995) climbed out of the coffin and onto the professional basketball scene in 1996 with the Phoenix Suns.  The '04-'05 & '05-'06 NBA's Most Valuable Player is best known for his creative passing game and for his seven year stint as the host of HBO's Tales from the Crypt.

 

 

 

 

 

  

 

 

 

 

Center: #13, Noah “Juwanna Mann” Joakim  

A basketball star is booted out of Florida when his on-court antics go too far, so he poses as a woman and joins the Chicago Bulls.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Center: #16, Pau “The Llama” Gasol

Basketball -- so easy, a caveman can do it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Shooting Guard (had to get this guy on the floor): #28, Sam "ET" Cassell

A mining ship, investigating a suspected SOS, lands on a distant planet.  The crew discovers some strange creatures and investigates.  Sam Cassell hatches from the chest of Sigourney Weaver and puts up 40 on the Knicks.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Small Forward: #6, Adam "Ugly off the Bench" Morrison

Celebrating the first time Morrison has been in a starting lineup since '06.  I mean...look at him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Coach: Stan “Ron Jeremy” Van Gundy  

Ever seen them in the same place at the same time?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Assistant Coach: Popeye “What If Reggie Miller Melted” Jones  

Popeye Jones once flapped his ears, went up for a dunk, caught a glance of himself in the glass, and began to melt.  Reggie Miller's aborted twin is now an assistant coach for the New Jersey Nets, but will always be one of the ugliest looking things to step onto the hardwood.

 

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LA Coliseum Set for Summer Renovation
By Logan Noblin @ USC and The Pac 9

Coliseum

The only stadium in the country too decrepit for the Raiders is set for renovation this summer.  After chasing  two NFL teams out of the city, the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum plans to adjust its exterior fence line, install a small video board on the west side of the press box, and extend the concession area to the east end of the facility.

Because when I think of reforming a 90 year old stadium, oh yeah, I think more tacos.

Over the last two years, the Coliseum has adjusted its sound and lighting systems, installed a press box elevator, and painted the rim of the stadium a pretty new shade of cardinal.  And, let’s not forget, added more taco stands.

Thanks to John Semcken and the Los Angeles Football Stadium project (see attached virtual tour of the proposed stadium), LA football fans won’t need to wait on the Coliseum to attract an NFL home team.  But with superficial improvements like those the Coliseum has scheduled, it may be a long time before Trojan faithful see anything resembling a functional, modern stadium.

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All-USC Dream Team
By Logan Noblin @ USC and The Pac 9

Ronnie

Spring-ball is over, two-a-days are on the horizon, and it's time for some summer speculation.  Here's USC and the Pac-9's all-time Trojan starting lineup.

Backfield: 

QB: Matt Leinart (2005)

RB: O.J. Simpson (1968)

FB [blocking]: Lynn Cain (1978)

Recievers:

WR: Mike Williams (2003)

WR: Lynn Swann (1974)

TE: Hal Bedsole (1963)

Offensive Line

OT: Brad Budde (1979)

OG: Anthony Munoz (1978)

C: Bruce Mathews (1982)

OG: Ron Yary (1967)

OT: Tony Boselli (1994)

Defensive Backfield

CB-Dennis Thurman (1977)

FS-Troy Polamalu (2002)

SS-Ronnie Lott (1980)

CB-Tim McDonald (1986)

Defensive Line

DE: Tim Rossovich (1967)

DT: Mike Patterson (2004)

DT: Tim Ryan (1989)

DE: Kenechi Udeze (2003)

Linebackers:

Lb-Chris Claiborne (1998)

LB-Richard Wood (1974)

LB-Junior Seau (1989)

Special Teams:

P: Tom Malone (2005)

K: Mario Danelo (2006)

PR: Reggie Bush (2005)

KR: Anthony Davis (1974)

KR: Jim Sears (1952)

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Why USC Will Win the National Championship in 2011
By Logan Noblin @ USC and The Pac 9

Gettyimage

After four conference losses in 2009, USC fans and critics lost their minds.  Alumni flipped cars in the streets, women and children weapt and gnashed their teeth, and Lou Holtz cackled from atop a burning Los Angeles skyscraper.  Saint Carroll may be gone, and Brian Kelly may have replaced Charlie the Hutt on the Death Star, but all is not lost.  Trojan fans, go ahead ease that Football-Threat Meter back down from "screwed the pooch" to "on the mend," because USC is going to win the National Championship in 2011.  And here's why.         

Barkley's Last Year

The odds of Pete Carroll's Golden-Child waving off a multi-million dollar NFL contract to stay in school another year are about as good as -- well, any other high-profile, three year starting quarterback staying longer than he has to.  2011 will be Barkley's last shot, and best chance, to compare rings with Matt Leinart, the last Trojan quarterback win a National Title. 

Barkley had a productive freshman year, throwing 59.9% -- third in the conference -- en route to semifinalist honors for the Davey O'Brien Award.  But with 14 interceptions, the 19-year-old's biggest problem might have been decision making (just ask my mother or high school principal).  The arm, the body, and the knowledge are all there; Barkley will have all of 2010 to smooth out his game and get ready for a run at the Heisman and the BCS belt in 2011.

Kiffin's Second Year

So maybe Kiffin was run out of the NFL after 15 games (and 10 losses).  And maybe Kiffin has the coaching experience of an orange traffic cone.  But in 2011, Kiffin will have at USC what he's never had in his young (OK, embrionic) head coaching career: familiarity. 

Kiffin's home, and if he never quite got his feet set in 15 games with the Raiders and a fling in Knoxville, who's to blame him?  By 2011, Kiffin will have a year of football under his belt to add to 2 seasons as the Trojan's offensive coordintor in 2005 and 2006.  And if you thought his offensive schemes had less punch than diet Kool-Aid, then 2011 should bring some more relief -- Kiffin will finally be able to run a Trojan offense without a monkey named Pete Carroll on his back, and show the Pac-10 the first new look from USC since 2005.

The "second year" hasn't been a bad gig in the BCS, either.  Kiffin could join Bob Stoops (Oklahoma), Jim Tressel (Ohio State), and Urban Meyer (Florida) on a growing list of head coaches who have won a crystal ball after just two seasons.

Dillon Baxter

If this Spring told us anything, it's that Dillon Baxter is the real deal.  The freshman tailback has shakes like Reggie and is big enough to play, but if Reggie's first year told us anything, it's that we have a lot of dancing, spinning, change-of-direction 5-yard losses to look forward to.  By 2011, Baxter should settle into his role, as Bush did by 2004, and reserve Southern Cal some airtime on SportsCenter Top 10 (see attached video of Baxter's high school highlights).

The Wild Bunch III

In 2010, USC might have the best defensive line in the nation.  By 2011, it might be better.  Redshirt sophomore defensive ends Nick Perry and Wes Horton will be back for their fourth seasons, and if defensive tackle Jurrell Casey and flesheating monster Armond Armstead stay for their senior years, don't expect to see too many Pac-10 runningbacks scampering through the Trojan line.  Junior linebackers Jordan Campbell, Shane Horton, and Chris Galippo all have the opportunity to return, as well, rounding out a dominant front seven for the Trojans.

Schedule

Every other season, USC designs itself one of the most difficult road plans in the country.  In 2009, Dante's schedule included games at Ohio State, at Washington, at Notre Dame, at Cal, at Arizona State, and at Oregon.  Of the conference matchups, USC finished 2-2.  Seemingly, the 2011 blueprint could be just as troublesome, but if the Trojans can survive a Pac-10 road opener at Washington (which, granted, they rarely do), and back to back visits to Eugene and South Bend, November should be pretty easy sailings.

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NCAA Cracks Down on "No-Fun" Policy
By Logan Noblin @ USC and The Pac 9

Ripdad

Last week the NCAA’s Playing Rules Oversight Panel officially announced that football will no longer be any fun.  As of 2011, the sport will be a joyless, emotional vacuum completely devoid of excitement and passion.  “We hope the new rules crush every player and fan involved in college football,” cackled Coach Randy Edsall, chair of the rules committee.  “Why do these college kids insist on making football into a game?”

Well, maybe that’s not quite what he said.  But the new ban on eye-black messages and live-play celebration makes me wonder how far the NCAA will go to sap any and all traces of individuality and excitement from the college game.

Maybe I’m a bitter Los Angeles sports fan still broken up after two divorces with the Oakland Traitors and St. Louis Shams, but it sure feels like college football has something that the NFL is just missing. 

When’s the last time you saw fans swarm security and storm the field in the National Football League?  Where’s the passion in a league without loyalty?  We love college football because of the excitement, the electricity, and the raw energy of teams still playing for a school, for a state, and for fun – not for a job or a paycheck. 

The last thing we want to see is college football looking more professional.

"If your kid (wears eye-black messages or celebrates druing a play), he is saying that he's more of an individual than a team guy," said Edsal.  "Maybe don't recruit a kid like that."

Thank you for your insight, Coach Edsal.  How selfish of Rey Maualuga to scrawl RIP DAD below each eye in honor of his father, Tony, who died of brain cancer two days before the 2005 National Championship game.

How upsetting to see senior tailback Desmond Reed, who lost the opportunity for a starting role as a sophomore when he tore ligaments in his right knee (and never really, fully recovered), celebrate a 34-yard reverse, double-pass touchdown in the 2007 Rose Bowl -- the culmination of a frustrating but inspirational college career -- with a dramatic front-flip into the endzone (see attached video at 1:30).

Were it 2011, Reed's flip would have been as good as a tackle, and Maualuga's memorial would have been banished to Twitter.

"The rules committee voted unanimously on this," said Dave Parry, the NCAA's National Coordinator of College Football Officiating.  "Let's keep the lid on sportsmanship and prevent that type of demeaning."

I've got a better idea.  Let's keep a lid on the soul-sucking old leeches in the NCAA office before they outlaw everything good and human from college football.

And prevent that type of demeaning.

 

Got something to say?  Let us know at uscandthepac9@gmail.com 

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